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The dishwasher is quietly humming in the finally cleaned kitchen. The kids are in bed. The look that means "I want sex. Our relaxation evaporates, our skin bristles, or our muscles tense up. We may love and adore our partners—yet suddenly we are on the defensive. We may have even wanted sex before we saw the look, but now we find ourselves backpedaling. However, these outdated perceptions were reflected in the relationship model I saw growing up.
From the outside, it looks like he wants sex and she doesn't—right? In fact, it's strangling her desire completely. Round-the-bases sex: you know, the way we were taught to have sex in seventh grade. First you kiss, then you grope each other, then you have oral sex maybethen you finally make it to home base!
So, there's this perception that sex is one specific sequence of events that, once we set the precedent of having sex, seems to always be the goal. Many of us have internalized this outdated sexual script. And this approach to sex can subtly dictate our sexual dynamic with our partners. Enter: that look. A woman may be eager to get intimate with her partner, to be touched, to be caressed. But because of the precedent we've created, we tend to assume that the look comes with strings attached.
We react defensively to that look because we expect to be required to engage in certain activities—whether we feel excited by the idea of intercourse or not. You think, "What's he going to want next? What is his hidden agenda here?Episode 10: Bang My Sl#t Wife
We become accustomed to using suggestive looks and touches to "achieve a result" with our partner, or to "warm them up" for sex. So, "that look" and the touch that accompanies it feels mentally loaded with expectations—and expectations are not sexy. Women don't freeze when their partners want sex because they don't want sex.Most Popular Wife Has Sex In Front Of Her Husband Movies
My client, Jill, said it perfectly: "I felt excited to see my partner all day. I thought about him on my drive home and even thought about having sex.
But the minute he looked at me, all that desire just went away. Instead, ironically, it was her husband's sexual overtures that dampened her desire. Simply put, it's about pressure. Round-the-bases sex puts pressure on women—and pressure doesn't turn anyone on.
As if agreeing to acknowledge the gambit turns intimacy into a transaction. So it's not surprising we start to avoid sex with our partners. This morning in bed, I experienced something radically different—and much more fulfilling—with my partner. I started touching him "for no reason. I like his body, and it felt warm. I touched him for a few minutes and we both enjoyed it, and then I stopped. And that was that. We can regain fulfilling, powerful moments of intimacy when we cut those strings and erase from our minds the outdated notion that sex must "progress" around the bases.
Think for a moment about the intimacy and sexual fulfillment that might be missing from your relationship because of this mindset. The most powerful shift I made toward my sexual satisfaction happened when I stopped having round-the-bases sex and stopped believing that sex had to go "in order. Can you imagine exchanging a steamy glance with your partner—and then going about your business without feeling any pressure to have sex?
Picture giving and receiving touch without any expectation that something else needs to happen next—like kissing, oral sex, or intercourse. Imagine touching just for the sake of touching. How might that feel? As a couple, learn how to have a new kind of sex that works for both of you by dropping all your expectations about the progression of sex and experimenting with something new.
Explain to your partner that you want more fulfilling sex and to try something new that cuts the strings that are strangling your libido. Instead, simply be present with the touch as it is—for its own sake. Want your passion for wellness to change the world? Become A Functional Nutrition Coach! Enroll today to our upcoming live office hours. Our FREE doctor-approved gut health guide. You are now subscribed Be on the lookout for a welcome in your inbox!
Main. Log in Profile. Saved Articles. Contact Support. Log Out. Your cart is empty. Our online classes and training programs allow you to learn from experts from anywhere in the world. Explore Classes. Bez Stone is a relationship coach, speaker, and writer based in Santa Cruz. She has a bachelor's degree in social anthropology from Stanford University. Last updated on April 30, Why does this happen so often—for women, particularly—in long-term relationships?
No, it isn't because men want sex all the time while women don't.
The two standard and straight-up wrong answers typically regurgitated on this subject are:. The dinosaur-era stereotype that men want and need more sex than women do. The equally archaic notion that "the spark" in long-term relationships inevitably fades over time. Imagine a buzzer going off loudly when you hear these types of statements. At face value, yes. But there's so much more to it than that.
The real problem is the sexual expectations.
How to remove the pressure to have sex. What to do instead. Explore touch without expecting sex. Bez Stone mbg Contributor. Bez Stone is a certified life and relationship coach, speaker, and writer based in Santa Cruz. She has More On This Topic Friendships.
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