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Posted July 8, Reviewed by Lybi Ma. Author and blogger Chris Ryan guest hosted the Savage Love sex advice column this week. It's a great read, and a wonderful plug for Ryan's new book, Sex at Dawn. The first letter he answered was from a woman whose husband wanted to watch her have sex with another man, a request she fulfilled.
But as she described the enjoyment her husband had at watching her and having "after" sex with her, with the other man's ejaculate inside her, the wife became concerned that maybe her husband was gay. Ryan and Savage's responses normalized the desire and behavior, suggesting that the husband was heterosexual, and was driven by the biological impetus of sperm competitionand voyeurism.
I like Ryan's responses, especially the nonpathological view, but I also think that this is a very complex behavior, with a lot more reasons behind it. So I thought I would use this post to explore these issues. Even though the practice of wife-sharing focuses on the wife's sexualityin my experience, this is almost always prompted by a husband's request.
Wives simply do not often or unprompted go to their husbands and request permission to have sex with other men. In the research for my book, I heard lots of varied reasons for this desire. Some were nice, and some were not so nice, but a discussion of this phenomenon deserves consideration of all the reasons and motivations.
So here is my list of the motivations, based upon my research, behind why men would be interested in watching their wives with other men:. A common fantasy is that the practice of wife-sharing starts when a husband catches his wife cheating, and finds himself strangely turned on.
This might happen sometimes, though very, very rarely. But it is at the root of Dan Savage's past responses to these men, a response that he and Ryan didn't repeat in this column. Usually, Savage quotes the "eroticization of fear " hypothesis, that these men so fear their wife's infidelity that they eroticize the fear, in order to reduce the anxietymanaging it by sexuality, until they have turned the fear into a sexual fetish.
In my book, I encountered a single man who described this scenario. It might happen, but it's a lesser answer than all of the above.
Hopefully through their partnership, Christopher Ryan opened Savage's eyes to the wide range of other explanations. David J. Ley, Ph. Worry is driven by mood, not logic.
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Ley Ph. Women Who Stray. Key points Dan Savage has explained the phenomenon of wives having sex with other men in front of their husbands as the "eroticization of fear. There are many possible explanations for why wives have sex with other men in front of their husbands, including voyeurism and misogyny. About the Author. Online: David Ley Ph.
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